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Lord Voldemort

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Minus the Minions [Oct. 3rd, 2006|11:21 am]
Lord Voldemort
[Current Location |*sigh*]
[Current Mood |melancholymelancholy]

Alas my minions I am undone, oh very well bored.

It's this damned change in season, not that I am a fan of summer (have you seen what sun can do to the paler scalp?!) but nothing is dying fast enough. I went out to sweep the leaves this morning and laugh mercilessly at their demise (as you do) and you know how many were out there? THREE! What in the name of Slytherin’s sweaty underpants (no offence great-great-great-you get the hint-grandpa) is going on?! Where is the cold?! Where is the suffering and the soggy days and that funny smell you get when you walk past peoples allotments? GONE I TELL YOU, GONE!!!


No I cannot pretend any longer my faithful drones, my melancholy has not been caused by the demise of so few tree coverings. I am afraid I have lost my Deatheaters to the wizard adult education program.

It all started in September when Bellatrix picked up a pamphlet on evil sidekick courses. At the time it seemed like a good idea, they had all been slumming around the house all summer and I was started to get a little vexed, so of course they got a little hexed at that. So I naturally agreed to let them all go on that blasted course so that they would improve their somewhat dire skills and I could get a few free evenings to work on my new embroidery (it's one of Mickey Mouse strangling Potter to death, an early Christmas present for Cissy). What I didn't realise that it would mean that I now only see them twice a week, where they spend the whole time talking about people and incidents that I know nothing about.

The thing is, what with Halloween coming up (that's not been a good holiday for a few years I can tell you) I just feel that I deserve a little attention and maybe the occasional Fondue and muggle torture evening.

Oh well I better go see how the casserole is doing, dinner for one again.

I need a life.
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where are the brooms? [Jun. 25th, 2006|10:33 am]
Lord Voldemort

[Current Location |watching this "World Cup" sans proper Quidditch equipment]
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]

Minions, I hereby order you to investigate what this Muggle World Cup is about! I do not understand it at all. Where are the brooms? and the Golden Snitch?! I understand their inability to fly our brooms, but why are they running around kicking a bludger??? And why does it not kick back?! This "game" makes no sense. Although, I must say I do like the injuries, pain, and blood I've seen at times! Look at my icon! Is it not clever?! Yet, the players are punished for hurting one another?? Unacceptable. I hereby order you to find the ministers of this FIFA ('feefaa' ... I mean really! These Muggles must learn to come up more intimidating names!) and convince them (::wink::) to make their referees hand out those silly cards to players behaving well instead! *taps chin* I wonder ... do any of you think these Muggles might make competent Death Eaters? They may not be able to use magic, but we may still be able to use them. What say you, Severus? Lucius?
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Love is in the air [Feb. 10th, 2006|01:19 pm]
Lord Voldemort

[Current Mood |bouncybouncy]
[Current Music |what's love got to do with it?]

Hello my darling minions. How are you? Do you know that the Muggles celebrate a dashing little thing called St. Valentine's Day on February the 14th? They do. Isn't that ever so smart? Close your mouth, Goyle! Now listen here. I've decided we're going to have a celebration. You heard correctly, Severus. You have a reason to wash your hair. And I want you all in your best dress robes. No torn or hand me down things, I don't care whose relatives are in Azkaban! We're going to have a Valentine's Day party. Doesn't that sound like fun?! And I want decorations! Let's see. Pink and red hearts for starters. Cissy you can do those. Be sure to take Crabbe with you. And we'll need flowers of some sort.....and balloons....oh! and champagne! can't do the thing properly without a bit of the old bubbly, eh?

What else? Hmm....Ah yes, chocolate to stimulate the passions, muahahahaha! And mood music of course. You're going to like this.

Entertainment shall be provided by none other than yours truly!! Isn't that wonderful?? I'm a brilliant crooner, if I do say so myself. And, gentlemen, I do warn you to hang on to your dates for I am likely to bewitch them all to myself. ::wink:: My set shall include a few cover tunes from Ol' Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra, himself, as well as my own compositions.

Be here promptly at 8 pm, Tuesday, 14 February.

With Love,
The Dark Lord
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Vacation [Feb. 7th, 2006|10:33 pm]
Lord Voldemort

[Current Mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[Current Music |Some lovely French number]

Little note: This is a spinoff of the fic I wrote on my LJ - Voldy's Vacation /shameless pimpage

I have decided I need a vacation. It's summertime and hot, especially by English standards. I am leading a very important matter, as you know, and frankly my underlings are getting on my nerves. There's one woman in particular, whom I've sort of taken a particular liking to, but now she's just making a nuisance of herself, practically throwing herself at me any opportunity she gets. It's annoying as all get-out. I won't name her here in case she sees this. I *should* flock my entries.

I haven’t been to the south for quite awhile, and haven’t actually taken a proper vacation in ages; the last time was before my vast empire started growing steadily and my plans began to dominate my life. Yes, it's what I wanted and have worked for nearly my whole life, but even Potential Supreme Dictators needed breaks too, right?

I've packed up my trunk, making sure to include both sets of swim shorts, fluffy beach towel, and sunscreen, and am about to Apparate to the French Riviera for a week of relaxation. I've told my second in command that under no circumstances should I be bothered.

A week later...

“My lord, I felt- I felt the matter was urgent,” the man said quickly.

“Fine, fine. Come in, then,” I huffed, closing the door behind the man. “Sit down,” I said motioning to the bed.

“My lord,” the man began, “we have learned some news. That young boy who has been trying to prove himself to you has brought us some valuable information that we thought prudent to deliver to you immediately.”

I didn’t reply, hoping my look of boredom didn’t reflect too much off my face.

The man continued. “He overheard a prophecy, involving a child to be born at the end of this month to someone who thrice defied you. It was said that you both cannot live at the same time,” the man finished with a whisper.


“My lord? Did you hear what I said?” the man asked.

“What? Oh, no, I didn’t. Come again?” I replied, realizing I had completely tuned him out.

“I said, my lord, that there was a prophecy indicating that you could not survive while a child, who is to be born at the end of this month to someone who thrice defied you, lived,” the man said in a hushed tone.

“Oh. Is that all?” I asked.

“Yes, my lord,” the man said, with a slightly questioning tone and paused. “What shall be our course of action, my lord?” he tentatively asked.

“Leave me. I need to think,” I said.

“Yes, my lord,” the man said and was gone with a pop (or bang).

I lay back on my pillows and had a deep think. Several times during this week, I'd contemplated throwing caution to the wind and abandoning my enterprise that I'd toiled away at for years; I haven't felt this relaxed and happy for a very long time, and I realized I quite verily enjoyed it. I feel I'm getting too old for the turmoil and my heart mightn’t be able to take the stress much longer.

Is it worth my efforts in looking further into this prophecy? I really don’t trust that kid that had supposedly reported the information. I decided to sleep on it.

The next morning (or very nearly afternoon – he was still on vacation, after all)...

After a scrumptious breakfast of café au lait and pain au chocolat, I came to my decision.

I sat down to compose a letter on the hotel stationary:

July 15, 1980

Dear Death Eaters:

I have decided to abandon my efforts in becoming Supreme Dictator of the Wizarding World in Britain. It has all got a bit hectic for me, and I grow weary each day.

Please do not think that this is because of the potential prophecy. This vacation away has truly been eye opening and made me realize that the simple things in life are more important than all of the stress I have brought upon myself.

I will be setting up a shop here selling shells and refreshments on the beach to sustain myself. When I have a permanent address, I will send word along. Do feel free to visit any time, as there will always be room in my home (and heart) for all of you.

Love always,

Tommy Riddle
(aka Lord Voldemort)


I'm pleased with my decision. Mostly.
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Bloody Christmas... well, I hope so. [Dec. 25th, 2005|12:48 am]
Lord Voldemort

Urgh, I forgot I had this thing. That cursed fool Wormtail was playing Sims on my Dark and Evil Computer, and it crashed; so the imbecile hexed it. It's only just got back from the repair shop now. You try explaining to some idiotic Muggle that your hard drive has been AK'd. The man had no idea what AK was. I had to demonstrate on a passing traffic warden before he understood, and then he got all worked up and I had to Imperius him.

I mean really, how much trouble do you have to take from a henchman before you're entitled to just kill the chap? I crucio'd him a bit but somehow it just wasn't enough. Perhaps I'll cut off his tail and use it as a Christmas tree ornament. Ah, now that sounds like a plan.

As for Christmas, which I notice it appears to be, frankly, I'm thoroughly irritated by it. Last year I was very very evil right up till Christmas Eve, but then I got visited by three ghosts in the night and woke up full of (ugh) joy and goodwill to all mankind. Goodwill!! It was truly terrifying, let me tell you. I caught myself giving a fat roast goose to Lucius Cratchitt and ruffling Tiny Draco's hair affectionately and with a winsome sparkle in my eye. *shudder*

So this year, I can't risk being that evil again in case more of the bloody spirits turn up (have to say though, Christmas-yet-to-come had a simply stunning cowl, really missed a trick there by not asking him where he got it from). At the same time I can't be nice, because, hello? I have minions for that kind of thing. They give me presents, and in return I torture them horribly and kill their loved ones. It's really a very simple relationship, and those spirits just didn't get it. I'm not cuddly, I don't drink brandy or eat turkey (think Nagini does, though, must check. Wouldn't want my poor cuddly-wuddly being miserable at Christmas). I am, however, currently wearing a santa hat, with a jolly paper party hat over the top, for apparently this kind of thing is so hideous to Muggles that it actually might cause some nice festive terror.

Perhaps I should do Chanukah instead. I don't much fancy lighting just a candle every day, but perhaps if I Incendio a Muggle house every day, that'll count too. Ooh, how many Weasleys are there? Hmm. The red-haired one, the other red-haired one, the... oh dammit, they're all the same. Dammit, I think there are 9 of them. Oh well, can't Incendio one of them per day.

Oooh did anyone else see Narnia? I liked the turning-people-to-stone idea. Perhaps I'll turn Bella to stone as a Christmas present. She always likes to try out new punishments.

Hope you all have a thoroughly painful Christmas and a terrifying new year.

Love, hugs, kisses and turkey-induced food poisoning,
Vold E. Mort, esq (I think this makes me sound suave and sophisticated, what do you think, Lucius?)

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Oh the torment of crushed fanatisism!! [Oct. 24th, 2005|11:11 pm]
Lord Voldemort
[Current Mood |crushedcrushed]
[Current Music |Nightwish - Nemo *sob*]

My heart is broken, granted its only that stupid perfume bottle Avery bought me for my birthday (never use the phrase 'surprise me' with that idiot) but alas it is the closest thing I had to real heart and it is indeed smashed into a trillion (alright seven...ooh spooky) pieces on the floor that is my soul, or rather that theoretical 'I.O.U one soul V xx' parchment...hold on I'm rambling aren't I?

Where was I? Ah yes I am a broken man! (all comments will be hexed in due course). I have just received an email from Lucius telling me that...*waves hands in font of face to hold back tears* THAT TARJA HAS BEEN KICKED OUT OF NIGHTWISH!!

There I was dusting the mouse mat when *poof* the little 'new mail' window popped. Well naturally I opened it and this is what I found:


Just been surfin' the net and it seems that gothic bint from Nightwish has been dumped. WTF?!?! This sucks she was the only eye candy there!

g2g Cissy wants to download the new Narnia trailer

Love to Naggy


(And to think he had a decent education...)

It was all too much; before I knew it I had sent the coffee table through the wall (conveniently taking that bloody awful heart thing with it) and set fire to the new curtains.

Of course the ever psychotic/faithful Bella has been trying to cheer me up. She's been prancing around in that ridiculous red bath towel with the pom-poms on it (another Avery 'treasure') for the past hour singing Nemo at the top of her lungs. Well I say singing; the sound actually reminds me of the time I accidentally trod on Naganini's tail. Mind you you can tell she isn't really bothered, she's been looking for an excuse to blast my posters of the lounge wall for some time. It's not my fault I think she's a bag lady compared to the siren known as Tarja, well she did ask me to be truthful...bloody women.

Even Potter is enjoying this awful time. I had three prank phone calls last night and he's the only one I know with a Surrey area code. Every time I answered the little swine blasted Evanescence down my ear followed by the oh-so-grown-up chant of 'YOU SUCK!!'

*sniff* Oh well I suppose I better get on with the housework I'm meant to be terrorizing the Weasley's after tea, I bet they wont even appreciate the effort either, ungrateful devils.


I need a hug.
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Boredom [Oct. 20th, 2005|11:30 am]
Lord Voldemort

[Current Mood |boredbored]
[Current Music |Barbra Streisand - Memories]

Sometimes its boring trying to take over the Wizarding world. *sigh*

I've sent all of my minions off to do work for me. Snape is somewhere helping that insipid Malfoy kid.

Wormtail is off on a ghost hunt. No, literally. I figured it wouldn't hurt having some ghosts on my side. You saw Return of the King, right?! Dude. Those ghosts kicked some major Orc ass. Wo-WOOT!

I sent a few Death Eaters on hols, as well. First class to Cancun for a week of sun n' fun! Wish I could've gone with them.

And here I sit, all alone, thinking about how next to try to overcome Potter. He's just always in the way, you know? I've sort of developed a secret crush on him. I'm hoping next time we meet he touches me. Even if its just a brush on the arm. Ah, bliss.

Oooh! Must run, The OC is on!
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Dreams and Speed Dating [Sep. 8th, 2005|03:34 pm]
Lord Voldemort
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |Desperado, The Eagles]

I had a stupid dream last night and I owe it all to some of my newer, younger and dumber, minions!

During a refreshment break at our last DE Meeting, I overheard two of them talking about that blasted Club Crabbe was on about one day. That Club Immeritus, or whatever. They said they have some party room of sorts, a, a Chat Room that RAWKS! (Their words, not mine, I assure you!) Then they went on and on about someone named "Mag"...(cool name, I admit, but really!) They talked of her as if she's some sort of God or something. At one point, I know I heard "Fo Shizzle". Granted, I really have no idea of its meaning, but I figured this Mag could prove to be quite the Adversary (unlike that dimwitted Potter!) if I didn't wrangle her in quickly. So...being the stealthy Evil Lord I am, I back-doored this Chat Room last night, and hovered about, unbeknownst to those there. Those idiot minions of mine were right, however. Mag IS something! She can hover as well! I didn't even notice her either until her words appeared out of thin air, seemingly on their own. The Chatters (club talk) adore her...they even have changed some netslang: OMG! is now OMM! I was quite intrigued, to say the least. She left the Room long before I did. I lingered for quite some time and learned all about some new-fangled magic--Skype.

It was very late when I finally pulled myself out of there, which I'm sure is what lead me to my dream--- I was sitting alone in front of my computer. The only light was from my monitor. It was kinda like that little girl who sits in front of the television in that movie Poltergeist? Anyway, I had my speakers on and was awaiting my first "Skype"...Nothing was happening, though, just some background noise was coming from the speakers. I waited. And waited. Finally, I couldn't take it, so I said Are you there Mag? It's me, Margaret. Then suddenly, without warning, my monitor went black and this appeared:


Followed by the sweetest, evil laugh blaring through my speakers!  I almost peed myself with glee!  It made me giggle---THAT'S right! I said giggle.  Out loud apparently, because before I knew it Nagini was waking me asking if I knew I was giggling. I was quite perturbed with Nagini for that. She woke me just before I began singing "I Think I Love You" by David Cassidy (that Partridge Family is a hoot!) to Mag via Skype.

Well..that's it. Now, there are a few WTF?'s here that I don't know if any of you picked up on. First, who the hell is Margaret?? Second, I DO NOT giggle! Third, I DO NOT sing. Ever. Fourth, I love no one. Fifth, David Cassidy bites. Finally, why..WHY was I so disturbed at not being able to sing to Mag??

Stupid minions.

What else is going on? Let's see...oh, yea...I almost forgot. Sev has been going on and on and on about this Speed Dating thing happening at the FrogSpawn this weekend. I think I'm going to check it out. Afterall, I am a man, I do have needs, and it's been a long, long ti....WHAT? It could happen!



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